


Lieutenant Exchange Day

by chellerrific



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:12:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking advantage of peace time in the most nonsensical way possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lieutenant Exchange Day

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, I have a deep love of things with enormous ensemble casts in part for the myriad relationships you get to see form. This is really just an exercise in me forcing together characters who aren’t generally shown interacting, with an eye towards maximizing cute/funny. No lieutenants were harmed in the making of this fic.

  
**_a part_ **   
**one**   


Chojiro addressed the assembled lieutenants with the authority of one speaking for the Head Captain—which, of course, was exactly what he was doing.

“The Head Captain believes that in light of recent events, it may behoove the Guard to try things that will help foster a stronger sense of community between the divisions, and not just within the divisions themselves. Since this is a time of relative peace for us, he thought it would be a good idea now. Thus, he’s determined that all divisions excepting the First will participate in a Lieutenant Exchange Day. We’ll decide who goes where today, and you’ll report to your temporary new homes tomorrow morning.”

If he noticed any alarm, confusion, or amusement on the faces of the assembled, he didn’t show it, instead simply holding out a small bowl in which a dozen scraps of paper were neatly folded.

“So. Everybody take one. All assignments are final.”

**two**

“To be perfectly frank, I find this whole exercise to be a pointless waste of time, but orders from the Head Captain are orders,” Suì-Feng said.

“I think he has good intentions,” Momo said. “We’re all allies and it’s not a bad idea to be comfortable with the people you need to fight alongside. When I think of it that way, it doesn’t—”

“Your first lesson is this: your opinions are the same as mine and thus you never need to speak them because I already know what they are. Understood?”

Momo blinked. “Ah—yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Now, you may be acting lieutenant for today, but in terms of seniority you are the junior-most member of the Onmitsukido. Therefore you must complete all the tasks I set you to earn your place. How is your hakuda? Your hoho?”

“Only decent, I’m afraid,” Momo admitted. “I’m better at kido and zanjutsu.”

Suì-Feng removed her haori. “Then I hope you at least have a high tolerance for pain.”

**three**

“Rose! Isn’t this lucky?” Mashiro was all smiles.

Rose welcomed the pair with a flourish. “Good morning, both of you. Lovely to see you.”

Shuhei gave him a somewhat stiff nod, causing Mashiro to elbow him in the gut hard. “Come on, Shuhei. This is our home for the day. Be a little more enthusiastic!”

“It’s worth pointing out that you’re still on the job,” Rose said.

“Of course!” Mashiro snapped to attention. “I volunteer for hakuda drills and superhero posing drills. Shuhei volunteers for… advanced frowning drills.”

Shuhei gave her an advanced frown.

Rose shrugged. “It’s going to be a pretty laid-back day today so as long as you call me ‘Captain Otoribashi’ and don’t sing any enka, I’m not going to complain about much.”

“Great! You’re the best, Rose!” Mashiro said before bouncing away.

Rose exchanged glances with Shuhei, unconcerned. “Oh well. The enka was the more important thing anyway.”

**four**

Renji had no clue what he was doing here, beyond that “cosmic joke” thing he often thought was going on.

He saw the same uncertainty reflected back at him in the faces of the rest of the Fourth as he and Captain Unohana stood before them. She was all serene grace as usual, making it sound as if Renji were just as qualified to be there as Isane.

Nobody was buying it, of course. Renji’s extreme ineptitude with kido of all kinds was legendary. Never mind that he knew bankai, oh no, it was always the shakkaho blowing up in his face that everybody had to bring up.

“Don’t worry so much, Lieutenant Abarai,” Retsu said after the rest of the division had gone to start on their duties for the day. “I’m aware you aren’t skilled with kido. Remember, we are currently at peace. We always have some healing work to do—as you well know, not a day goes by without a visit from some members of the Eleventh—but the rest of my subordinates will be more than up to that task, even in Isane’s absence.”

Renji let out his breath. She was right, of course. It was an odd match, but it was only for one day, so he’d just take it easy.

“Of course,” she went on, her placid smile not changing a fraction but somehow becoming exponentially more chilling, “you’re also well aware that we do much more than healing here.” She pressed a broom into his hand. “Please do your best today, Lieutenant Abarai.”

He watched her glide away, his mouth hanging open. Still, for all his dismay, it was impossible to miss the sound of tittering coming from behind.

**five**

Shinji’s eyes lit up when he saw Rukia. “Ah! I lucked out. I was sure I was going to get the big guy or Iba, Jr.”

“Lieutenant Omaeda isn’t as bad as he looks,” Rukia said, deciding not to touch the “junior” thing.

“Oh, I know that has to be true, because that captain of his hasn’t killed him yet. But enough about them. Let’s talk about us. Before we get started, there’s something I need to tell you.” He closed the distance between them, taking one of her hands in both of his. “You—”

“You already told me I was your first love. Sir.”

Shinji blinked. “I did?”

“Yes, sir. It was at the party thrown for your reinstatement.”

“Oh. Huh.” He dropped her hand. “You’ll have to forgive me; I’m usually better at remembering these things. Well, now that that’s out of the way! I think we’re going to get along well today. We have a surprising amount in common, don’t you think? So let’s go see to the troops!”

Rukia stared at his back, feeling for all the world like she’d just been given some kind of test. Well, if that was the case, it had nothing on high school algebra.

**six**

The office was silent save for the ticking of the clock. Byakuya soundlessly took a sip of his tea and moved onto the next form in his small inbox.

Nemu sat at Renji’s desk, so still and quiet one might mistake her for a doll.

The seconds ticked away.

Byakuya glanced at the clock. “It’s time,” he told her.

Nemu got to her feet and left the room noiselessly, nodding a small but polite bow to him before shutting the door.

**seven**

“Wow! The view up here is great!”

The rest of the Seventh stared up the length of their very tall captain, all the way up to his new pink-haired passenger.

“I have to say I still prefer Kenny, Bow-wow, but this is pretty good. You should be proud!” Yachiru leaned forward to grin at him.

“Should I,” Sajin said, at a loss.

“This is fun, whee!” She climbed all over him as if he were a jungle gym, oblivious to his winces and sharp intakes of breath whenever his fur caught on her sticky hands.

“And so—gah!—there you have it,” Sajin said to his men. “Lieutenant Kusajishi will be—ow!—with us for today, and I hope you will treat her with the same respect you always give to—oh sweet mother of—to Lieutenant Iba.”

It was the most colorful speech their captain had ever given, that was for certain.

Yachiru climbed back up onto his shoulder and addressed the men herself. “Let’s all have fun today, okay! And if any of you has any candy, I order you to turn it over to me right away!”

**eight**

“Reporting for duty, Captain Kyoraku, sir.”

Shunsui tipped his hat back and cracked an eye open. “Ah? Good to see you, Tetsuzaemon, but I have to confess I was hoping for someone a little prettier.” He sat up and, with a hand offered by his temporary lieutenant, got to his feet.

“I apologize, sir,” Tetsuzaemon told him, tucking his thumb into his waistband. “I’ll try to be prettier in the future.”

“Well then.” Shunsui clapped a hand on his shoulder. “All I can ever ask of my subordinates is that they try. I don’t suppose we’ll be able to blow off all our duties and spend the day drinking and napping, will we?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m obligated to at least say no. But I can’t do too much anyway, as Lieutenant Ise warned me under penalty of death by extremely painful kido that I’m not to touch her desk.”

Shunsui grinned. “That so. Then I guess we can’t really do anything about it, can we? If those are the instructions my Nanao gave…”

**nine**

“Say, Captain,” Rangiku said in her most kittenish voice. “It’s such a nice day out. Why don’t we—”

“I don’t think so,” Kensei cut in. “And really, save your breath. Mashiro’s been pulling that routine on me since you were a brat in the Rukongai.”

Rangiku pouted. “Ah, Lieutenant Kuna is a cutie, but I don’t think she and I are quite the same.” To emphasize this point, she clasped her hands behind her back and angled her upper body forward just slightly.

But Kensei kept walking ahead, not casting a single glance back. “I’m aware of your differences. Doesn’t mean you don’t share an identical desire to be lazy.”

Rangiku sighed—extravagantly, drawing in as deep a breath as she could, just in case he happened to look over at her.

He very determinedly did not. It was incredibly frustrating. She was going to have to have a talk with Shuhei about this.

**ten**

Having spent many, many years as both a close personal friend of Rangiku and the adjutant of a man very similar in habits, Nanao was not at all surprised to find things at the Tenth in the state they were.

It was running perfectly well, of course; Rangiku could be counted on when it mattered and her captain had a strong work ethic. But all the same, things were terribly inefficient and the surface of Rangiku’s desk was strangely sticky.

When Toshiro arrived at the office no later than usual, Nanao was there to greet him with a laundry list of business.

“I’ve redrawn the training and chore schedules for the next month, restructured the leave schedule so that each man has what he needs while still keeping the division at full strength at all times, arranged tests for three unseated officers who show very strong potential for seats, and poured you a fresh cup of tea.” She added thick stacks of paper to his arms as she ticked off each item on her list, at last turning to indicate his desk on the final point.

Toshiro stumbled slightly under the weight in his arms. “Uh. Excellent. Thank you very much, Lieutenant Ise. Just how long have you been here?”

She glanced at the clock, considering. “Oh, about an hour or two.”

**eleven**

“And so, thank you very much for having me today, and I hope we can all get along.” Isane finished her speech with a bow, trying for all the world to fold in on herself. Seldom had she ever been more conscious of her conspicuous size.

“Oh, come on!” someone shouted. “She’s from the Fourth!”

“Yeah! When I want one of those pansies, I’ll bleed on ’em!”

Isane clasped her hands together tightly and tried not to fidget.

“Hey! Shut it, all of you!” Kenpachi growled from his nearby perch. “When I want your opinions, I’ll give them to you! Now. It seems to me that you are all forgetting something that’s actually pretty important: anybody has the right to be here in this division… assuming they can prove themselves.”

Kenpachi smiled at Isane, and it was not at all encouraging.

**twelve**

“What? I get you? That’s disappointing. I was hoping for the girl from the Ninth. I’ve been trying so hard to get my hands on one of her kind but the Head Captain is being such a bore about it.” Mayuri frowned, lips stretched downward to reveal two rows of large, yellow-gold teeth.

Marechiyo’s knees knocked together and he hoped nobody else could hear his own teeth chattering. “I—I could go get her if you want. We could trade. I’m sure if you ordered it, nobody would say anything.”

Mayuri sighed. “No, I’ll make do for now. Nemu, prepare my—oh, that’s right. She’s not here. This is such an irritation. Akon!”

At his captain’s call, the third seat turned away from the console where he was working. “Head Captain Yamamoto expressly forbade you from experimenting on the lieutenant, remember, sir?”

Mayuri’s expression darkened further. “That’s right. Damn! How incredibly aggravating.” To Marechiyo he said, “Just don’t get in my way, if that’s even physically possible for you. And don’t touch anything. The work done here is delicate in nature and far beyond the ken of one like you.”

Mayuri turned away and Marechiyo let out a sigh of deepest relief. Staying out of the way of a captain on a tear was one of his specialties.

**thirteen**

All things considered, Izuru was in a pretty good mood as he made his way to the Thirteenth Division that morning. Almost any other draw would have been worse, the other captains being at best wildcards and at worst deeply frightening. But Captain Ukitake was a beacon of constancy, a man who got along with nearly everyone and was adored by his subordinates for his fair and gentle nature. As far as Izuru was concerned, he got the best deal possible.

Rukia had told him to head to Ugendo first, so he made a beeline for it, drinking in the beauty and tranquility of the morning.

His peaceful feeling began to dissipate when Kiyone and Sentaro intercepted him.

“We regret to inform you, Lieutenant Kira—”

“—though I regret it more—”

“—that Captain Ukitake is very ill this morning and needs to rest.”

“That means you’re going to be in charge of things for today. We’ll stay close to advise you.”

Yes, the good feelings were definitely gone, drained out of Izuru like someone had pulled a plug. He tipped his head back and thought: _lost glory of spring / bright sun has become eclipsed / bis, acting captain_.

He shook his head, like crumpling up a page. Terrible.

* * *

  
**_b part_ **   
**one**   


Chojiro reclined in his own office over his own work with his own tea and was exceedingly relieved the Head Captain had exempted him from this experiment. Of course, that was only because he wished to exempt himself, but Chojiro was not one to split hairs.

**two**

“Captain!” Marechiyo cried. “Captain, I’m so glad to see you, I could hug you!”

Suì-Feng knocked his meaty hand away with one small fist of her own. “Don’t even think about it, not if you want to retain the ability to walk. Or breathe.”

**three**

Izuru grabbed his captain’s haori, something he never would have done under normal circumstances, but he could barely keep upright. “Please, Captain Otoribashi,” he said. “Never leave or defect or retire or get sick. I’m begging you.”

Rose blinked, nonplussed. Then he gently pulled Izuru’s hands away, patted him on the head, and said, “Let’s put you to bed.”

**four**

Isane wobbled into her quarters late that night, swaying and crashing into walls.

“Isane?” Retsu called, concerned. “Are you all right? I’ll be very displeased if Captain Zaraki or his men were rough with you.”

Isane let out a belch heavy with the scent of sake, then took an unceremonious header into her bed, where she shortly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**five**

“Welcome back! How was—whoa! What the hell happened to you?” Shinji took Momo’s face in his hands to inspect it.

To his surprise, she beamed up at him, even though it hurt her black eye. “Guess what! I’m an honorary member of the Onmitsukido!”

**six**

“Captain,” Renji rasped, leaning against the doorframe for support. “I will never complain about serving under you again.”

“Hm. A credit to Captain Unohana, certainly, but perhaps that means I should be working you harder.”

Renji groaned, sliding to the floor in utter defeat.

“Things were very quiet around here today,” Byakuya added, stepping over him, and Renji did not miss the unspoken explanation that that had been for the worse.

**seven**

“Welcome back, Tetsuzaemon. All went well, I trust?”

“Can’t complain, though I’m not considering a transfer. I’d probably have to do all the work.”

Sajin gave him a smile. “That’s good to hear. Now, could you perhaps help me out? There are some mats and tangles I can’t quite reach and I… I think that's gum, there…”

**eight**

“Surprise, Lieutenant Iba left a mess.” Nanao sighed.

“Don’t be too hard on him, Nanao. There are very few who could live up to your standards. I’m certainly glad to have you back.”

“The sentimentality is ridiculous. It’s been less than a day. Did you know,” she added, in a confessional tone, “I was the only one Lieutenant Sasakibe allowed to draw a second lot?”

“Oh?”

“Yes. The first time, I drew eight.”

Shunsui laughed.

**nine**

“Hey, Kensei, you wouldn’t happen to have any enka, would you?” Mashiro asked.

Kensei gave Shuhei a quizzical glance.

“To annoy Captain Otoribashi, I assume,” Shuhei explained.

Kensei didn’t need any more than that.

“So, Captain,” Shuhei said, “how did it go, with Rangiku’s… service?”

Kensei just sighed and gave him an extremely weary look.

**ten**

“Wow,” said Rangiku, leafing through all of Nanao’s schedules, lists, and notes. “I bet you’re happy.”

“That my subordinate actually did her job? Ecstatic.” He gave her a pointed look.

She ruffled his hair, quickly twisting out of reach of the hands that came up to bat her off. “I hope you didn’t get used to it, though from the looks of it both of us will have relatively little to do for a while.” She yawned. “I’m off to bed. Believe it or not, that Captain Muguruma is even more of a stick-in-the-mud than you. Good night, Captain.”

“Good night.” He looked down at the papers on his desk again, then added, “Hey.”

Rangiku paused halfway out the door and turned back to face him. “Hm?”

“I’m… you know. Glad you’re back.”

She smiled. “I know.”

**eleven**

“And then we played fetch and then somebody found more chocolate for me!” Yachiru finished with relish. “What about you, Kenny? How was Giraffe?”

Kenpachi grunted. “Not bad for the Fourth.”

**twelve**

“A whole day’s work lost! You know, it really is incredibly inconsiderate of you to do these things to me, Nemu.”

Nemu bowed. “My apologies, Master Mayuri.”

“Yes, well. Nothing for it now but to try to make up for lost time.”

“Yes, Master Mayuri. It’s very good to be home.”

“I know that, you dullard! Now quit wasting time on banalities and get back to work!” Mayuri sighed. He really was the only one worth anything around here, wasn’t he.

**thirteen**

“I feel terrible, leaving everything to poor Lieutenant Kira.” Jushiro coughed into a handkerchief.

Rukia poured him a fresh cup of tea. “I’m sure he understood. Besides, he had Kiyone and Sentaro to help. Don’t worry about it, sir.”

“Mm,” he said noncommittally. “Tell me about your day.”

“You should be getting your rest, sir.”

Jushiro smiled kindly at her. “This is restful for me.”

Rukia felt a flush of pride, then sat back on her heels. “Well, Captain Hirako likes to fill out his reports in reverse and watch to see how long it takes people to figure it out…”


End file.
